Cleatus Wilson has made a serious, serious mess of things.

Two weeks ago he was a family man with a flourishing pastoral lifestyle. Now the only words that can be used to describe him are “drunk,” or “sad,” or “forlorn.” Nobody pities him. In the six-or-so days since his wife left with the kids (all eight of them) he has drank over thirty thousand cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, the cans from which can be seen in giant huge massive towering piles, piles which somehow grow exponentially and multiply each night despite none of the neighbors (of which there are two) seeing Burns actually take a single sip. It's almost like the can heaps have taken on a life of their own, an organic aluminum mass, pulling autonomy from Wilson’s profound sadness and emptiness and loss. 

Although anyone who knows him could tell you that he’s not exactly an engineer, Wilson has somehow managed, in his drunken haze, to build an elaborate DIY apology statue thing, a spaghetti of metal and electrical shit which hooks up to an LED light screen which, when activated, backlights his desperate plea for forgiveness, which he wrote in dry erase marker on the surface of the screen. He begs for forgiveness which he absolutely doesn’t deserve and should probably never receive, not after the things he did, which I won’t get into here but which I can tell you involved a slip-and-slide and a flamethrower and a gallon tub of heavy duty Hellman’s brand mayonnaise.

One of the neighbors has uploaded a photo of the whole mess to Instagram, where it quickly went viral, and a spokesperson from PBR is currently en route to give Wilson a voucher for a lifetime supply of free beer. Wilson’s kids are in the Bahamas with their grandparents and his wife is, as we speak, having dinner with a guy in a fancy suit who just flew in this morning from someplace like Dubai or Switzerland. So if Wilson wakes up, his life will continue to be an absolute tragedy, collapsing in a yeasty haze while the people he loves slowly move on. If he doesn’t wake up, his body will be found by the representative from PBR who, coincidentally, his wife matched with on eHarmony just this morning.